What are your repeated Toxic Patterns?

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"It's an entire world of just sixty-four squares. I feel safe in it. I can control it. I can dominate it. And it's predictable. So if I get hurt, I only have myself to blame." 

- Beth Harmon (The Queen's Gambit)


Patterns are everywhere in every form. People have certain patterns that are injurious to health. It takes time to build patterns and ages to break them. Everyday habits make our pattern and we get used to it. It is hard to break patterns but possible with Self-discipline and Self-aware assistance. People with long term patterns suffer and feel helpless at times. I know someone who has a pattern of going back and forth for people for whom they care and love. But this isn't it, these patterns will suck out your life and you will feel stuck. Patterns are repetitive. They will repeat themselves and you won’t even realize because there is comfort, no fear of the unknown.  


The basic fear of the unknown never lets you move out and keeps you safe. We all want someone to keep us safe and sane most of the time. Maybe too dependent but that’s not what I want to convey here but “Be with someone who multiplies your sanity and helps you grow”. Maybe I am highly triggered right now but one thing is for sure, there would be few people who would never understand you or would always perceive you the opposite. They will bring out the worst in you and trigger you as they will come in contact. Apparently, this is your test and you have to fight it. While observing the destructing power of your patterns you will learn more about what kind of people you want to allow in your life moving further. You would like to create boundaries and exercise them, whenever required. 


Also, while I was talking about that someone who got patterns but trying to break them for months is finding it hard as those patterns provide her the kind of comfort she has always lived in, the cocoon which never let her sink into the reality of life. Her patterns made her feel safe and she never thought about breaking them. After a lot of emotional rollercoasters she faced with people, she realized that outer chaos cannot be continued in the future. She started with the inner work and came across the kind of repeated pattern she was practicing. Patterns are insane. They make you one too! So Beware! 


Her habit to stalk and compare herself with others on social media ruined her mental health to the extent that she had to go on meditation retreats. The constant pattern to make her feel little about herself and self-destructing qualities led to severe health diseases at a young age. Nobody is responsible for what’s happening inside her head but people around her whom she loved and cared for only triggered her regularly and bought these patterns on the surface of her life. She completely lost the touch of reality and started distancing herself from people. Not sure whether it was depression or her own nature but whatever it was, she was not at ease. She was in pain and in a constant dilemma of choosing and moving out. I also observed that there was always one vacancy for someone but she always chose the incorrect candidate for that position. She had numerous friends but not a close one, all she needed was someone who can make her feel wanted, seen, and heard. She might have suffered because of the incorrect candidate she always chose but that was her learning. 


Now when she is rebuilding her life, she talks about things that she did wrong and how she is able to mend the broken parts of her life. She still makes those mistakes but much more aware. She can clearly identify her ego and plan where healing is needed. She understood the power of Healing and it can transform her life. Her patterns still discourage her but she is not losing hope. She has redefined her notion about life. Everyday life offers her or perhaps everyone a new challenge but we gotta be strong and self-disciplined to fight the hurdles of life. Remember, breaking one’s pattern is not easy but it's worth a shot. 


P.S - When you think you have achieved something and you brag about it, life throws you with the test within that span, and in that test, your response will be the deciding factor of your victory.


The idea behind starting "The Purple Anxiety" is to be a mental health advocate. Anxiety was one of my best friends but that was one hell of a journey. It took years to understand my triggers and what makes me feel safe. Today, a lot of us are suffering through these unwanted messages our bodies send us quite often whenever any uncomfortable situation arises. Some of us are aware of all the why's but again not everyone knows what's going inside us. I have been there, felt that pain and tracked a way out of it. I am lucky enough to find a way but it doesn't mean we have to keep the journey all by ourselves. I want to share my triggers, my why's and how miserable I felt whenever anxiety kicked in my body. I feel the more we share our emotional trauma bonds, the more we feel that we are not alone in this anymore. People want to feel safe, seen and heard. And That's the goal of The Purple Anxiety to make everyone feel safe.

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