The Purple Anxiety

  "It's an entire world of just sixty-four squares. I feel safe in it. I can control it. I can dominate it. And it's predictable. So if I get hurt, I only have myself to blame."   - Beth Harmon (The Queen's Gambit) Patterns are everywhere in every form. People have certain patterns that are injurious to health. It takes time to build patterns and ages to break them. Everyday habits make our pattern and we get used to it. It is hard to break patterns but possible with Self-discipline and Self-aware assistance. People with long term patterns suffer and feel helpless at times. I know someone who has a pattern of going back and forth for people for whom they care and love. But this isn't it, these patterns will suck out your life and you will feel stuck.  Patterns are repetitive. They will repeat themselves and you won’t even realize because there is comfort, no fear of the unknown.   The basic fear of the unknown never lets you move out and keeps you safe. We all

  " Whenever you experience the pangs of losing something, don't treat it like a part of yourself but as a breakable glass, so when it falls you will remember that and won't be troubled. So too, whenever you kiss your child, sibling, or friend, don't layer on top of the experience all the things you might wish, but hold them back and stop them, just as those who ride behind triumphant generals remind them they are mortal. In the same way, remind yourself that your precious one isn't one of your possessions, but some thing given for now, not forever... " -EPICTETUS, DISCOURSES, 3.24.84-86a Since yesterday, I have been feeling a little insecure about my existence yet again. I haven't had this feeling since months lately. I really don’t know what’s wrong but again something is bothering me and I could not locate what is wrong with me. Why I have started feeling incapable yet again. There could be a lot of reasons for this but I think I haven't healed from

Lately, I was thinking what possible fear any human being could have in their lives? I even anonymously asked a few folks (conducted a small survey) and to my surprise the answer was slightly similar amongst all. Most of us fear losing someone special or human connection. We all fear abandonment and that’s what I observed amongst people of familiar age group. Even if we draw a trajectory around fear, we will find people cannot survive alone and they want someone by their side. Preferably, that’s why marriages are created to keep two living beings who can possibly survive together. There is this instil fear and then our theory to adjust after marriages. Our manual for living prohibits hopping from one partner to another or breaking of marriage. The Ultimate goal is to be with someone with whom you can share and grow. I have seen people who are stagnant due to severe obsession or love for their victim role. They perceive themselves as victims and keep themselves in that shell where peopl

So many faces but I chose to be yours. I chose to be your "the one".    I chose you over everyone. I chose to invest in you. I chose to be with you. Your one smile lights up my day like someone has offered me the best of both worlds. You did not know how important your one call or text was to me. You were my place. I wish I could say the same. Deep down there was a feeling for you which was new, What I didn't know, we would end up like this because this time I didn't choose you over everyone else. If life was easy, we might have chosen each other again but who are we to blame. You were my day and night. Waiting for you all day long made me want you more and more. Now, when you are gone you are my muse for all the art I create. I know we will meet again but at some other time and space. We belong to each other and we will always remain the same.

Someone recently asked me “How do I unlove a person” and my first reaction was how can you even think of that, it's a myth. When you invest your energy or time on someone, you leave a part of you with them, forever! My close friend is struggling to leave a relationship in which she has invested 9 years of her life. She is highly attached to him and cannot let go of him at any cost because she thinks of her invested time, energy and emotions which were completely in loss. She knew for years that she wouldn't be happy with him but planning to marry him real soon because she accepted her suffering. When I talk to her, I completely understand where she is coming from, people pass judgements and suggestions but she feels helpless due to many psychological factors. No one is here to blame, not even the guy but the SELF. There are instances in life where you do accept or normalise certain circumstances of life which are toxic for any healthy human being. Both of them are not happy,

  Attachment is inevitable for humans because we tend to care and react to our emotions quite often. We are prone to fall back due to our ability to feel strong emotions for things that are close to us in life. People like me are insecure about their existence and then they try to look for someone who can fulfill them, we fail. We all are coming from somewhere and heading somewhere with all the experiences we have had once, we are the product of our past. We learned things from our childhood and how we are being treated by our caregivers defines us today. Not entirely but a part of it says a lot about our current personality. With the kind of attachment we had with our caregivers/parents, there is a possibility that it defines our ongoing relationship with people in general.  If I talk about my childhood, it was a normal healthy childhood according to my parents, where they pamper their first kid a lot, offer everything they ever craved for and when it comes to being strict they scar